Burn My Ears
by CallMeAddicted
Summary: Viva La Swan Queen Week: Summer 2015! Emma's jealous, Regina's jealous, Hook's jealous... I promise you'll have fun. So just read it ;)


Happy Swan Queen Week, All!

Inspiration for most of my fics came from my great friend, Arabella Cauwell (who won't let me use her real name, so I used her FF name - she writes Recess fan fic if anyone's looking for a good trip down childhood lane). So thanks, Ara :)

I'm aiming for cracky with most of these SQW fics, so expect that. Although I'm thinking a bit more angst for one or two... We'll see.

Anyway, enjoy the week. Happy and safe Swan Queening!

* * *

Day 2: Jealousy

* * *

It was the perfect set-up: a quiet meadow by a stream in the forest, a picnic blanket sprinkled with her favorite color rose petals, and her knight in red leather armor who'd shown up outside of her office on a horse-drawn carriage with hopes of a perfect, cliché first date.

Now they'd been actually dating for at least a month, but they'd never _actually_ been on a date.

"I hope you like it," Emma started shyly. "I know you've never really had the cutsie, romantic type of dates, so I just wanted to spoil you a bit."

"Well actually there was that one time with Robin; he brought a picnic basket and some wine, and we sat in front of the fireplace –" her words trailed off as she took note of the despondent princess in front of her. "But that was almost like a false sense of romance, seeing as he was married and all… and I was the mistress…" Emma still didn't respond, so she hooked a finger under her chin to bring the blonde's eyes level with her own. "But Emma, this – what we have – is definitely much better than anything I ever had with the _'forest clown.'_ "

Regina knew her Emma pretty well. She knew that the use of the phrase 'forest clown' always made Emma picture Robin Hood running around the forest in a Bozo outfit and a bow and arrow that only shot colorful flowers when deployed. And yeah, it did make Emma feel better. She cracked a smile, which turned into a giggle.

"There's my princess," Regina cooed as she kissed soft pink lips.

"Don't call me princess. It makes me feel like a petty little child."

"You are a petty little child," she chuckled. "Sometimes you are. Would you like it better if I called you _my incredibly strong and handsome knight_?"

"Mmm, no that just sounds too butch. I'm not that butch; I'm more hard-femme, wouldn't you think?"

"My incredibly strong and handsome princess knight?"

"Yeah, I like it. Best of both worlds."

"Will my incredibly strong and handsome princess knight pass me one of those amazing looking chocolate covered apples?"

And like the adorably cliché Princess Charming she is, Emma didn't just _pass_ her girlfriend a chocolate covered apple slice; she placed one end of it in her own mouth and encouraged Regina to take a bite from the opposite end. It was really kind of messy, because the white chocolate covering the apple was already beginning to melt a bit and it pretty much slid right off the fruit before Regina could fully bite off her half. But what did they care? No one else was watching. So they shared a laugh as Regina sloppily licked the milky chocolate from her fingers and made the most delicious hums of approval from deep down in her throat.

A little ways off behind Emma, Regina noticed a glimmer of something in a bush – like something shiny catching the late afternoon sun. There's a slight rustle in the bushes; the brunette glances toward the horses by the stream, in close proximity to the bush. If there were anything to be wary of, she was sure it would cause a change in the temperament of the noble yet skittish creatures, and that would be enough to put the women on alert. But they appeared as usual, lightly grazing in the grass and sipping from the cool waters, so she turned her attention back to the gorgeous creature in front of her.

"Everything okay?" Emma asked as she unpacked the dinner she'd prepared earlier that afternoon. Yes, she could cook – false memories and all that.

"Everything is absolutely perfect. You know, if anyone had told me one year ago that I'd someday have a perfect, fairytale romance to rival that of Snow White and Prince Charming, I'd have reverted to my Evil Queen days and had their head on a platter for the insolence."

Emma preens, "Didn't think you'd ever find a gem like me, huh?"

"Arrogant is _not_ your color, dear," she teases. "But no, I truly did not believe I could have everything I'd always wanted."

"Everything you always wanted is a joke of a savior who happens to fall into victory by some stroke of luck, driving a rusty yellow Volkswagen and a propensity towards running from stressful situations?"

"Self-deprecating much?"

Emma shrugged as she tore into her salad.

"What I've always wanted," Regina began, dipping her head down to meet Emma's eyes, "is someone who is capable of loving me as much as I love them; someone who is not too intimidated by me to try; someone who matches me blow for blow and keeps me interested. I'm not a complicated woman. I just want to love and be loved in return. And I want to have someone _by_ my side and _on_ my side without question. I've only ever found that combination once in my life…"

"What about Daniel?" The blonde's jealousy was pretty obvious. But more than the jealousy, the insecurity was blatant.

Regina laughed – not mockingly, but more so out of disbelief that Emma didn't recognize the obvious. "I fell in love with Daniel when I was seventeen. It was real, and he was wonderful. But I wasn't _me_ at seventeen. Who's to say if he and I would have made it past eighteen still together? The point is this: yes, I loved him. And yes, I even loved Robin –"

This Emma scoffed at.

"But no one in my life has ever been to me what you are, Emma."

"What am I?"

"My incredibly strong and handsome princess knight." Emma sputtered the wine she had been drinking at that exact moment and they shared a laugh. "You are the love I choose."

And they lived happily ever after…

Well no, not yet. But they continued their date happily ever after. After finishing the salad and then the stuffed mushrooms and chicken kabobs, the couple frolicked in the meadow like young teenagers in love. It really was the perfect date, scoring Emma so many freaking brownie points. Granted, she did it all because she was hopelessly and devastatingly in love with Regina Mills and would literally lie down across a canyon so the other woman could get to the other side; but turning up the romance and earning some sweet lady loving from it was a huge bonus.

* * *

Days later, Regemma (as they'd been dubbed by Snow – Regina swore it was simply because Snow hated her for defiling her daughter) was on yet another date. They'd been seen all around town on their perfect little fluffy chick-flick dates. For two of the most prickly people in town, they sure were big teddy bears for each other. On one occasion, even Archie had to control his regurgitation. And that's saying something…

So they were out at Granny's, just sharing a Sunday morning meal together – sitting on the same side of the booth, Emma nuzzling into Regina's neck, Regina giggling like an idiot, a mug of hot chocolate in front of Emma with the whipped cream formed in the shape of a heart (Regina had forced Ruby's hand), and said waitress heckling the couple from afar for being so annoying.

"Stop being so freaking cuddly!" Ruby yelled from her position behind the bar. When Granny snapped her dish towel at the tall brunette, she protested. "What?! Seriously Granny, we're all sick of it. I'm just the only one with balls enough to say it."

They ignored her; after all they ignored pretty everyone except Henry. They were all fresh in love.

"Gina?" Emma asked seriously.

"Yes, love?"

"Could you hold this for me?"

Regina looked at Emma but didn't understand what she was asking her to hold. "Hold what?"

Then Emma strained to access her magic and made an old school stereo appear in her arms. She handed it over to Regina. "This… Just hold it for a sec…" She then popped open the tape deck, grabbed a cassette tape from her pocket and hit play."

That's when Emma actually stood up from the booth and accessed her magic again. She made all the lights in the diner turn various colors, coloring the place like an 80's nightclub.

 _"Clock strikes upon the hour and the sun begins to fade,"_ she sings.

Ruby's head falls to the counter, "Dear Lord, she's singing…"

The looks on the faces of the fellow diner patrons are all the same: eyes rolling, exasperation, and some yelling at her to 'shut the hell up already.'

 _'Still enough time to figure out how to chase my blues away.'_ Everyone else clearly hated the newest public display of affection, but the mayor was eating it all up. _'I've done alright up to now, it's the light of day that shows me how,'_ she belts out the song. _'And when the night falls, the lonliness calls…'_

"Here it goes," the waitress mutters.

 _'Oh, I wanna dance with somebody!'_

You get the point… it pretty much went on like that until the end of the song when finally Emma hit stop on the tape deck and the lights in the diner went back to normal. "Regina Mills?"

"Yes, Emma?"

"Will you go on a seventh date with me?"

Squeals were all anyone heard from Regina. It's like Emma proposed marriage to her or something. "Yes, my darling I will go on a seventh date with you!"

They hugged happily and as Regina (still in Emma's embrace) looked about the diner, she could swear she saw someone watching them. I mean, the whole damn diner was watching them – quite resentfully in fact – but this particular spectator ducked their head behind a menu as soon as Regina glanced in their direction. She thought it odd that on their first date she'd gotten that same feeling of being watched. And also for a moment on their fourth date. And then again, now.

"Sweetheart, I think we're being followed,"

"What? By who?"

"I don't know. But I keep getting this feeling that we're being watched." When Emma looked around and noticed all the angry, fed-up stares directed at them, she started to refute the brunette's feeling, but Regina cut in first. "Yes, I know they're _all_ watching us. But I seriously think we're being followed. This is the third time I've gotten that feeling."

"Okay, so is there anyone in here you see that you've also happened to see whenever you've gotten that feeling?"

"Well, no. And I know it's not right to draw baseless conclusions, but do you see that person over there?" she subtly scratches her nose and points at the table with the man/woman hidden behind their menu. "The second I looked over there, they ducked behind the menu and haven't put it down since…"

"Okay, well babe I can't just go over there and say _'my girlfriend thinks you're following her; so what's the deal?'_ I would need some reason to go and size him up."

"You're the sheriff! Just go over there and ask them why they're hiding."

"Okay, that's abuse of power, Regina…"

The brunette furrowed her eyebrows as if the phrase 'abuse of power' wasn't even in her vernacular.

"Fine," the blonde conceded, "I'll go. But if I end up with complaints against the Sheriff's Department being filed, I'll tell them the Mayor made me do it."

"Tell them _The Queen_ made you do it," she postures in her typical regal style. "I'd like to see them try…"

* * *

As Emma slowly approached the table in question, she mentally prepared for the backlash when she did what she was about to do.

She grabbed the person's menu, ripping it from their grip, like ripping off a band-aid. "Hook?"

"Uh… Emma, hello. How may I assist you?" he asked innocently.

"Well," she sputtered. "How long have you been in here?"

"Oh, well not terribly long. I just decided on a nice hearty breakfast to get my Sunday going and so I figured Granny's got the best toast in town…"

She decided to ask him flat out, "Have you been following Regina and me? Because if you have, I have to say that's creepy. And it's rude. We're no longer together, Killian, and it's inappropriate behavior for my ex to be stalking my current girlfriend and me while we're out together –"

He tried to cut her off during her rant and explain himself, but she was on a roll.

"And now I have to go back there and explain to Regina that she was right – that someone _has_ been following us and it's you! Of all people! Is this a jealousy thing? Are you not over the fact that we've broken up?"

"Are you not over hearing yourself speak?!" he finally cut in. "Seriously woman, you come over here chattering on and on as if you've already made up your mind about what I've been doing in my spare time… you don't know my life!"

"So have you been following us?"

"Yes." Emma gasped; but he continued. "But not for the reasons you think…"

"What reason could you possibly have to stalk me on dates with my girlfriend, Killian?"

He looked a bit unsure, but decided to just spill. "Could you spare a moment to talk?"

She looked back at Regina, who was absolutely fuming at this point. "Yeah, but just a moment. What's on your mind?"

Killian pulled out a small Lisa Frank notebook with a matching pen. "Well, I've been taking notes on your dates and I was wondering, how do you come up with all the romantic things you do for the queen? Is it something you just innately know from being a Charming, or is this something children learn in this realm as part of their studies?"

"What are you even talking about, bro?"

"I'd just like to know if your romantic side is innate or learned?"

She couldn't believe she was actually about to engage in this stupid conversation but, "I don't know. I guess it could be innate. I just do things I think would make Regina smile. She's never really had anyone do all these corny acts of love for her, and I like making big gestures… You can't just _make_ someone a romantic. I mean, you can ask them to do more romantic stuff for you, but if the person isn't naturally into it, you just gotta accept who they are."

" _Accept. Who. They. Are…"_ he repeated quietly as he wrote down her every word.

"Why? Is there someone you want to impress?"

"Jealous, are you?" he winked in that lecherous way of his.

"Ugh, get over yourself. No, I'm just wondering why all the studying. Do you have a new girlfriend? Does she want you to be more romantic or something? You know, a night on the deck of your ship tossing marbles at empty bottles isn't really most women's idea of romance…"

Before he can even stop himself, "Who says it's a woman?"

 _Gasp…_ Emma grinned as his face colored bright pink. "You sneaky, sneaky dog!" she playfully slapped his arm. "You're bi?"

"Well, so are you, Swan!"

"Alright, alright. Don't go getting all defensive. I'm just shocked is all. And by the way, I'm not bi; I'm a lesbian. You were my beard, bro. So who is the lucky guy, huh?"

"I don't think we should talk about it just yet."

"Is he not out yet? Does he already have boyfriend? Is it not official?"

"I've been hoping that he'll finally come to his senses and realize that what we have is True Love. Or at least it can be, if he gives us a try…"

"Awww," she coos, "I'm sure it won't take him long to figure out what a great guy he has."

"It's just, I thought he'd be romantic, more debonair. But his idea of a romantic rendezvous is a quickie in the back of his truck then buying me a burger and strawberry shake."

"Those are yummy."

"I know. But honestly, would it kill the man to buy a rose or make a mix tape or something? I mean, he's Prince bloody Charming for goodness sake…"

Silence. They were both silent when they realized what he'd said. And again his face colored bright pink. Emma almost couldn't hold back the vomit threatening to burst from her mouth.

"Oh dear, I shouldn't have said that. I mean… he's not _literally_ Prince Charming… that's just something I call him… his name is J-Jav-Javid… not _David_ …"

Emma's response was simply to get up and run out of the diner. So she did. But then she remembered Regina still sitting in their booth waiting for them, so she ran back in, grabbed the smaller woman by the arm and pulled her out of the eatery.

* * *

Now blocks from the diner, Regina was still fuming – even more so that she'd been dragged out of the place without finishing her turkey sausage. "Emma! Slow down! What is wrong with you?!" she demanded, finally getting the blonde the stop stomping down the road with her arm in tow. "What did that Neanderthal say to you?"

"Nothing! I just- I need to burn my ears…"

"What? What is going on?"

Emma, however, could not bring herself to face the other woman. She lost all sense of sensibility and sank down to the ground, holding her knees close to her chest and whimpering, _'Pretend you didn't hear it; pretend you didn't hear it…'_

"Emma, sweetheart, please talk to me? Tell me what is going on?" she was terribly worried at this point. If the horror etched in Emma's features wasn't so real, she might actually point and laugh at the blonde. "Please?"

"He… and my dad… ewwww!"

"Okay, I need you to translate that…"

"They're doing it!" she made a motion with her hands, both forefingers pointed towards each other and touching.

It took Regina a moment, but she finally understood. "Oh God…" And then a deep, chesty cackle (you know, the evil kind) erupted from her lips. "I get to tell Snow White…"

It was a ridiculous scene: the Savior crouched down in the street like a terrified child, and the Evil Queen with her head tilted back mid-cackle and revenge lighting up her eyes.

* * *

"David!" Hook bellowed as he traipsed into the Charming apartment. He waltzed into the kitchen where he found his lover washing dishes. "I demand you be more romantic!"

David looked at him as if the pirate had lost his marbles – again (those damn Neverland marbles really are difficult to keep track of; people just don't seem to get it).

"Here I have a list" Hook pulled his notebook from his jacket pocket, "of all the romantic, _charming_ acts of love prepared by your daughter to show her lover how much she cares. How is it that the daughter of Prince Charming is such a mush when it comes to grand gestures, but her father – the man who carries the Charming name – can manage no such deeds?! Burgers and milk shakers in the back are your carriage truck are not my idea of romance, mister!"

"Dude, my wife is literally standing right there!"

They both looked over to discover Snow White watching the conversation in confusion. Her phone (which was in her hand) began to ring.

"Hello? Regina?" She heard a loud, Evil Queeny cackle from the other end.

"Whatever, _David_ , if that is your real name! I refuse to allow you to treat me as if you already _have_ me. I want to feel courted. Is that too much to ask?"

"Killian, can we please talk about this later?" he tried to keep the conversation to a more hushed tone.

Screwing up his face in anger, Hook simply turned and stormed out of the apartment. David didn't know what to do – leave and chase after his boyfriend and try to smooth things over, or stay and try to pretend that didn't just happen.

So he left. He ran. He ran out after Captain Hook, his boyfriend – ex-boyfriend of his daughter – because he was jealous of the amazing romantic qualities exhibited by said daughter.

Snow was left in the apartment with the phone still clutched to her ear. On the other end, Regina was still cackling like the evil sorceress she once was.

And _then_ they lived happily ever after…


End file.
